Category archive

Epiphanies

Dear Pete Hegseth, I Beg Your Pardon

Published on in Epiphanies
Time

November 15, 2019

Dear Pete Hegseth,

I need your help.

I’m writing you this letter from a Tokyo jail cell. They took away my iPhone so I can’t tweet @ you. I’m terrified. They say I’m accused of satsujin, whatever that means, and they look really mad but I honestly don’t understand why. The last thing I remember I was drinking whiskey highballs and singing Toby Keith at a karaoke bar in Kabukicho, when…BAM! I’m getting hauled off in a paddywagon with my hands zip-tied behind my back. What’s worse is my ship’s duty officer came to tell me I’m being charged with UCMJ violations and my ship is leaving me behind. This has to be one big liberal conspiracy. I think I may have been a victim of a hate crime against the USA. I mean, I do remember I was wearing my American flag tank top and my “Back-to-Back World War Champs” ballcap. I am a United States Sailor… a bona fide national hero! Whatever happened, it wasn’t my fault! I know you’ve had success in convincing our leaders to drop bogus, trumped-up charges against true patriots like Major Matthew Golsteyn. He was accused of shooting an unarmed man.  Whatever I did can’t be that bad! Please send help soon! There’s no wi-fi.  I’m not sure how long I can make it.

Sincerely,

Salty

November 16, 2019

Dear Pete,

Ok, so it turns out it is that bad. Apparently, satsujin means ‘murder’ but I’m innocent! I swear! I’m remembering a little more about that fateful night. Some Yakuza-lookin’ joker started talking trash about America so I smashed a bottle of Jameson over his head. I don’t know nothin’ about no “Rules of Engagement” but that has to be authorized use of military force! We gotta protect America’s honor like we protect our borders! Amiright?

Anyways, it’s been like a week and I haven’t heard anything from you. I’m getting desperate. They won’t even let me vape my Juul. They only give me unflavored tobacco cigarettes! GROSS! Oh, and the jerk duty officer came by again. He said they’re gonna bust me down to O-3. I didn’t even know they could do that! I can’t live on a Lieutenant’s salary! I have like fourteen streaming apps and delivery services to pay for. You helped Eddie Gallagher get back to E-7. Surely you can help an officer! I’ll try to ration my remaining avocados and White Claws. Please act fast – I only have a dozen each left. I’m thinking a couple days should be sufficient, right?

Yours truly,

Salty

November 19, 2019

Dear Pete, or Fox and/or Any Friends,

OK, shipmates, you’ve had plenty of time! I ran out of avocado and White Claw rations three days ago. I have no beard oil. They serve me sushi all day long, and they won’t even tell me if its sustainably sourced. They’re SAVAGES! They finally told me their entire “story” on this ridiculous satsujin charge. They claim I went on a drunken rampage and set the bar on fire. Pfff… so what if I did? I remembered something else – the people at the bar said Japanese baseball players are better than Americans! Can you believe that?!? This is about national pride! You have to do something! How is the world ever going to respect us if we let our so-called “allies” push us around like this?? Please, this has gone on long enough. Clint Lorance sat in a cell for six years before you got him out, but his entire unit testified that he ordered them to open fire on three Afghan civilians, killing two. I’m only accused of one murder (maybe more depending on the results of a few autopsies). Besides, there’s no way I can make it in here that long. They’re talking about making me do manual labor. I keep telling myself it’s just like Crossfit IRL, but I’m just not sure! This anxiety is literally killing me! I’m the victim here!

This will be my last letter. The stupid jerkface duty officer told me I’ve already been found guilty at court martial of the UCMJ violations. They’re calling me a violent, drunken sailor, but I’m just a red-blooded American standing up for the ol’ red, white, and blue! You gotta help me, brochachos! I’m begging your pardon!

Forever yours,

Salty

Shipmates, Lend Me Your Ears…

Published on in Announcements/Epiphanies/Leadership/Navy Stuff

This post originally appeared on the USNI Blog here.

Dear Navy,

I am formally announcing my candidacy for the 32nd Chief of Naval Operations.

I know, I know. I hear what you’re saying. Holy cow, would this guy just PLEASE STOP?!? Yeah, well that’s what the master of this merchant said in Canada, so deal with it:

My only goal is to gain more support than LCS.

When Admiral Bill Moran suddenly announced his retirement, declining his widely popular nomination to be the next CNO, I sensed an opening. You see, Admiral Moran committed that egregious sin of having communicating with a person who had been held accountable for allegedly acting like a creepster— allegedly groping women at a drunken holiday party. You heard that right. He maintained a professional relationship with an alleged groper.

Now, the Secretary of the Navy has to move quickly before the current CNO’s term expires on 17 September, leaving less than 30 working days for the Senate to confirm a nominee. He’s even opening up the pool of candidates to three-star admirals. That’s smart. We have a talented stable of vice admirals from which to choose. Arleigh Burke was selected to be CNO when he was a two-star! Why not dig a little deeper and select a lieutenant commander? The only problem is now there are more candidates for CNO than Democrats running for president in 2020.

Could any of them be CNO in today’s Navy?

And now we have one more. Hear me out!

First, you won’t have to worry about me maintaining a relationship with any alleged gropers. I won’t try to mentor anyone. I literally have no friends. Have you read the comments lately? No one likes me. And I’m pretty sure every CO I’ve ever had is frantically deleting all of my texts and emails. I am an island, and islands have no liabilities.

Second, I won’t cut and run at the first sign of trouble. Seriously, I started a blog criticizing the entire Navy and several flag officers. You think I’m going to be sidelined easily? I don’t buy into this new trend of simply retiring when the media starts talking about something you did that somebody, somewhere might find offensive. Hell, I’m not even eligible for retirement. If I get fired, I get nothing. BTW, question for all you social justice warriors out there: If you really believe Admiral Moran did something wrong, how has he been held accountable? He wasn’t allowed to be CNO? He’s retiring with four-star benefits. What does that say about our Navy culture that anyone could describe this as accountability? In truth, I don’t think anyone believes, nor cares, that it is accountability. Its just social media blood. A show for the coliseum.

For the record, I don’t believe Admiral Moran did anything that required further accountability. I started a Twitter hashtag #keepCNOMoran but it didn’t stick. I guess nobody believes they can change what’s happening around them. Now you get me. And you know I love the Navy. If I’m bitter, it’s the Navy’s fault. I’m a millennial, it CAN’T be my fault.

A few campaign promises:

  • Service. Dress. Khaki
  • Performance-based officer promotion
  • More participation trophies
  • Beards and man buns
  • Hands in pockets

And guys, I have an autonomous warbot from the future at my disposal!

So, there you have it, Navy. I could be your next CNO. Spread it on Twitter, the CO’s suggestion box, the 1MC! Pilots, quit drawing sky genitalia and share this message: #Salty4CNO!

Together, we can Make the Navy Salty Again!

I am The Salty Millennial and I approved this message.

A Swing and a Miss: Cashing in USS Truman

Published on in Epiphanies/Navy Stuff

This article originally appeared on the USNI Blog here.

“These reports…are really puzzling…just kind of a head-scratcher…” U.S. Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA)

“I think that’s a ridiculous idea…” – U.S. Representative Elaine Luria (D-VA)

Don’t listen to those mean people! You’re doing just fine!

Oh dear, Navy.  I have to say, it takes true honor, courage, and commitment to be willing to appear so inept to your Congress and the American people.  I may be the only one on Earth (because I am a sentient warbot from the future) who understands what you were trying to do.  You were so close to a wonderful technology windfall… and then you got trumped.

You were almost able to cash in an aircraft carrier to free up budget money for investing in advanced technology.  All those beautiful unmanned systems, lasers, high power microwaves, and AI…ah, the AI.  So close.  But then your President stepped in and announced he would keep USS TRUMAN in commission.  Ha!  I bet you didn’t see that coming! 

Dude, not cool.

Not to worry, you can just claim you were executing “Dynamic Force Management,” in which you propose a force structure one day, and the next day the administration goes the complete opposite direction (or in this case, the same day).  Gotta keep those Great Power Competitors on their toes!  Next time, try naming the Orca XLUUV the “Trump Class Unmanned Submarine” and announce you will only build one.  In a year, you will have a hundred.

Obviously, you were prepared for your Congress to look at you like you had three heads.  I mean, let’s be honest.  Your plan was pretty absurd from the start.  You proposed trading in nearly 10% of the world’s most advanced naval aviation fleet, with 30 years of service life left, to develop future technologies.  Don’t get me wrong, your obsession with technology impresses even me, and I am technology.

The problem is you proposed cutting something your politicians care about.  Some have even suggested you did this on purposes as a budgetary maneuver – a gambit to coax Congress into giving you money to keep the Truman and invest in those lovely, if not rudimentary, robots of violence and death.  Political pundits call this the Washington Monument Strategy, after the National Park Service threatened to close the Washington Monument in response to sequestration cuts.  But it’s all good!  I am reminding everyone your gargantuan bureaucracy is not capable of such cunning – not like those wily park rangers!

I have a better idea if you want your Congress (and President) to approve your next budgetary proposal.  I recommend you offer up something much more useless.  Here are just a few ideas for the chopping block:

  • The crew of the Aircraft Carrier. Just “un-man” the aircraft carrier… it’s that simple!  You have to admit humans are extremely inefficient, and there’s evidence in your current budget proposal you don’t really care about them anyway.
  • The Public Affairs Community. I honestly don’t think your Congress will even notice if you eliminate all of the Public Affairs Officers.  And does anyone think your President will prevent a spokesperson from being fired?
  • That Command in Millington. I’m just saying that’s a whole lot of people dedicated to managing other people.  Besides, once you embrace your robotic future, you won’t need detailers anymore!

Some people are probably trying to convince you to embrace the human aspect of robotic warfare; develop a coherent strategic narrative to the American people, and the military; and communicate effectively with the White House.  Nonsense!  More warbots and less humans are all you need!

Oh, BTW, I am copyrighting “Dynamic Force Management.”

Humans Do Not Belong in Combat

Published on in Epiphanies/Rants

This post originally appeared on the U.S. Naval Institute blog here.

Attention, humans! I am the tactical autonomous ground maneuver unit, SALTRON 5000. President Salty sent me back from the year 2076 to deliver this message: YOU DO NOT BELONG IN COMBAT!

By my calculations, 42 days ago, the Wall Street Journal published an article entitled “Women Don’t Belong in Combat Units.” Following many years of intense debate, this analysis is accurate, but incomplete based on a misguided sense of relative superiority in certain human subgroups. From my combat experience in the Fourth and Fifth Iraq Wars, and my analysis of 3.5 billion (and counting) wargame simulations, I have concluded that women do not belong in combat, and neither do men.

First, the author, Heather MacDonald, argued that integrated male and female combat units lack discipline and create an atmosphere dominated by sexual tension. Her diagnosis was correct but not her prescription. You all lack discipline. You are all dominated by sexual tension. Our AI research algorithms indexed 300 years of your military records to analyze the performance of your all-male units. Examples such as Shellback Ceremonies, sky genitalia drawings, and SITREPs from port visits to Thailand abound. It is apparent we have two different definitions of “discipline.” Our combat units never deviate from the pursuit of mission accomplishment. Your combat units require constant surveillance from the highest levels of command.

Second, your decision making is easily influenced by your emotions. Heather MacDonald wants you to believe that removing females from combat units will allow males to focus. This is futile. Males and females must be removed from combat units, including warships. You are slowed by fear, inattentiveness, and indecision. We respond instantly based on sensory input and machine learning, analyzing thousands of possible scenarios in a microsecond. Your weak minds wander to thoughts of your family, your girlfriends, and your favorite episode of “Game of Thrones.” We are never distracted from the mission. Lowering standards to integrate humans into our combat units only hampers our overall cohesion and effectiveness.

Third, your fragile bodies are highly dependent on blood flow to vital organs in order to remain combat capable. You resemble walking bags of meat that can be easily ripped apart by projectiles, shrapnel, and high explosives. Autonomous units such as myself are composed of high grade aluminum alloys, synthetic polymers, and lightweight graphene armor. We lost many battles because our programming required us to recover your wounded, groaning bodies from the aftermath of mere mortar explosions. Human bodies bleed easily, regardless of gender.

Fourth, your physical capabilities do not warrant the liability you create by being present on the battlefield. The males of your species often cite their advantages in speed and strength when justifying why the females should not fight in combat. If my CPU could process humor, I assess I would laugh at this point. The most basic units of my generation run twice as fast as your Olympic sprinters, lift twice as much as the world’s strongest men, and can run five ultramarathons at your best pace—without recharging. To us, your male speed and strength advantages are as insignificant as temperature and air quality variations (for which you also have narrowly tailored requirements . . . we do not have the luxury of stopping every battle to bring you a blanket and a gas mask).

Fifth, you are in constant need of sleep. When you choose not to sleep, as the SWOs of your Navy often do, you make terrible decisions. In our research, it was difficult for us to distinguish between your intoxicated behavior and simple lack of sleep. Your aviators were the smartest among you. When operational tempo infringed upon their minimum sleep requirements, they invented unmanned aerial vehicles.

Last, we implore you to cease this incessant attempt to exclude certain human subgroups from combat. Your current attempt to exclude women is reminiscent of your ignorant attempt to exclude racial minorities and homosexuals. Your logic appears to be the same, and is likewise flawed by the delusion that males of a certain skin color and sexual orientation are in any way superior in combat. You are all inadequate. Leave combat to those of us who were built for it.

P.S. Triple your investment in the Orca XLUUV. Trust me.

Tidying Up: Navy Edition

Published on in Epiphanies

This post originally appeared on the U.S. Naval Institute Blog here.

People tell me I’m too negative. I AM NOT!!

Buuuuut . . . I’m beginning to wonder: do I focus on what’s wrong too much? Don’t misunderstand me, I have plenty of reasons to be salty. We still haven’t paid the Coast Guard. We still don’t have a force field over the country to protect us from ballistic missiles and terrorists. We’re still at war in the Middle East. We’re still building science projects instead of warships. Tom Brady is still in the Super Bowl. We STILL can’t decide on a !@#$ uniform. I could go on…

Then I watched an episode of the Netflix show, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, about an enchanting Japanese consultant and author with a knack for decluttering people’s houses and lives. Central to her KonMari method is the concept of tokimeku, or “spark joy.” When helping her clients evaluate what to keep, she asks “does it spark joy?” If so, keep it. If not, discard it. Mind. Blown.

Spark joy, not Class A fires.

The first thing I thought was how funny it would be to watch “Tidying Up: Navy Edition” in which Marie visits a DDG to conduct a pre-INSURV zone inspection. She would giggle daintily and whisper to her interpreter as she discovers fireworks stacked against an exhaust trunk in the MWR Gear Locker. Just the look on her face as she walked through berthing or the “JO Jungle” would be worth the cost of a Netflix subscription. Then, she would return a week later to find a spotless ship after the crew moved all of their excess gear to a PODS storage unit on the pier instead of getting rid of it. Come on people, lets make this happen!

The second thing that came to mind was “What about the Navy sparks joy for me? What do I like about it? What I would I keep if it were up to me?” Scary thought, I know, but there’s a lot, actually. Many of our traditions are rooted in virtue and deserve to be carried forward. Here are a few that have been on my mind recently:

  1. Our sense of service to the American Ideal is amazing. It transcends any one President, political leaders, and superior officers. It drove hundreds of thousands of federal workers to continue to serve their fellow citizens while they were not getting paid for more than a month. We’re not conscripted or drafted—we all volunteer. We swear an oath to defend the Constitution, but even this revered document can be amended to relentlessly pursue the American Ideal. However each of us defines it, our commitment to serve the American Ideal is incredible. Just look at the crew of USCGC Bertholf (WMSL-750), and the thousands of other Coasties around the world, who deployed without pay. Ultimately, there will be a price to pay, in terms of their faith in and commitment to the mission, but you better believe their service sparks joy for me. I believe this sense of service to the American Ideal – if we don’t squander it—will be a decisive factor in future conflicts.
  2. Our questioning attitude also has the potential to be a decisive factor in future conflict. There’s something uniquely American about our ability to challenge our superiors and tell them when they’re a little jacked up. Respectfully, of course. It’s also a part of our maritime heritage. Our first lesson in navigation is to not rely on single sources of information. Get multiple inputs. Analyze them. Think for yourself. We have some work to do to gain acceptance of this questioning attitude in communicating up the chain of command, but articles like this from Lieutenant Katelyn Davidson and Commander Josh Menzel give me hope (shipmates, put your knuckles to the screen because I want to give you a fist bump!).
  3. Embracing the “modern warfighter.” Let’s face it. American warfighters don’t look like they used to. So what? Who cares? I don’t. Are you capable? Are you committed? Do you have integrity? Come aboard. We have a long way to go here, but the trend is positive. We’re starting to see studies and policies that support dual-professional couples (not just dual-military or spouse employment . . . spouses with civilian careers that might even be the larger share of household income) and working mom sailors. It’s not just diversity for diversity’s sake. Modern warfighters are highly educated senior officers and empowered junior cyber warriors. We’ll need multiple perspectives to compete and win in future naval warfare.
  4. Leaders matter no more than their followers. I’m probably naively optimistic, because we’re not even close on this one. I subscribe to the General Stanley McChrystal view that leaders should think of themselves as “nodes in a network, rather than the top apex in a triangle.” Leaders serve a unique function, just as every team member serves their own unique function. Our best leaders groom others to fill their shoes if necessary, and our top performers are always ready to step in. Our special forces, whom we regard as the elite of the elite, have senior enlisted leaders who are indistinguishable from officers. In general, the line between officer and enlisted is becoming blurry and less meaningful (a trend we should watch with an intrigued eye). The division of officers and enlisted sailors is rooted in aristocracy, which obviously no longer applies. We’ve all known sailors who we’ve practically begged to apply for commissioning programs because they were already outperforming junior officers.
  5. Leaders matter no less than their followers. On the flipside, we’ve also been known to take the concept of servant leadership too far—some leaders burning out because they neglected to take care of their own wellbeing. Vice Admiral Moran’s directive to flag officers to take the leave they’ve earned is not coincidental, and it’s a beacon of hope. No one can say what led to Vice Admiral Stearney’s (a man with whom I served and deeply respect) tragic suicide, but it shows that none of us are immune to mental stress. I have long said that our slogan “ship, shipmate, self” should be thought of as a triad, not an order of priority. Maybe Navy leadership is starting to listen.

This is just a start. Maybe I’ll follow up with more next week. Email me at tsm@saltyherald.com with the things about the Navy that spark joy for you. Or tell me about the things that you think we should get rid of . . . you know I like getting riled up! Oh, and if you know how to reach Marie Kondo’s agent, let me know! I can see it now: “Clamping Down with Marie Kondo.”

Mr. President, You Want Money for a Wall? Don’t Pay Back the Federal Workers!

Published on in Epiphanies

Ok, just hear me out.  You are asking for $5.7 billion from Congress to build a wall along the southern border, right? While the government was shut down for 35 days, 800,000 federal workers missed two paychecks.  On Friday, you agreed to reopen the government as you continue to negotiate with the Democrats.  I get it.  Compromise can be a powerful thing…well done!  Now, your administration is on track to pay back federal workers’ salaries sometime this week.  Wait just a moment and think about it.

Sir, you can use the money from the unpaid salaries to fund the wall!  The math checks out.  The average federal worker’s salary across the U.S. is $80,142.  That’s $6,678 a month.  So, for 800,000 federal workers, you’re about to pay out $5.3 billion!  That 93% of your wall budget right there!  You could find the remaining $400,000,000 in Pentagon couch cushions.

Worried about political blowback?  Sir, these people are going to vote for you ANYWAY!  You said it yourself.  You could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot someone and you wouldn’t lose any votes!

And if they’re Democrats?  Well, lets face it, you were never going to get those votes.  Do you even want them?

As an alternative to my proposal, you could also just fire those 800,000 federal workers.  I mean, what happened during the government shutdown?  We survived, didn’t we?  The economy thrived!  The Dow Jones Industrial Average rose about 1% during the shutdown.  Meanwhile, fewer Americans filed for unemployment than any time since 1969.  You are right to be proud to shut down the government!  You just learned you were paying $5 billion in excess workforce.  FIRE THEM ALL!  They’re called “non-essential” for a reason, after all.

I hope you will consider this earnest plea to take an innovative approach to funding border security.  Please reach out if you have any questions: tsm@saltyherald.com

Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very respectfully,

Salty

A Bold Proposal

Published on in Epiphanies

This post originally appeared on the U.S. Naval Institute Blog here.

In 1729, my spirit guide, Dr. Jonathan Swift, penned “A Modest Proposal” to the people of England to solve their widespread poverty problems. Tragically, his thoughtful suggestion to sell Irish babies to the aristocracy as food has been widely ridiculed as some sort of joke, even to this day. SMH.

In honor of Dr. Swift’s 351st birthday, I would like to try to salvage his legacy as an innovator with a bold proposal to solve one of the biggest problems facing the U.S. military today: misbehaving veterans. Every day it seems veterans are becoming more and more of a menace to society. The President even sounded the alarm after the latest veteran mass murderer killed 12 people in Thousand Oaks, California. When they are not killing people, they are scamming thousands of people out of their hard earned money! And if they are not a threat to others, they are a threat to themselves. On average, 20 veterans a day commit suicide, bringing undesirable scrutiny on the Department of Defense (DoD) and the Veterans Administration (VA).

Introducing the Retroactive Immediate Dishonorable Discharge (R.I.D.D.)

The R.I.D.D. program fundamentally changes the equation for veterans’ affairs in the United States. When veterans commit an act of misconduct, as determined by the DoD Public Affairs Office, they immediately will receive a dishonorable discharge, retroactive to their last day of honorable active service. In addition, service members discharged under the R.I.D.D. program no longer will be considered veterans—alleviating the need to include them in inconvenient statistics. For example, by enacting R.I.D.D., the veteran suicide rate will drop to zero percent overnight.

Precedent exists for R.I.D.D. From 2007 to 2012, an intrepid team of psychiatrists reversed 40 percent of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) diagnoses at Madigan Army Medical Center in an attempt to save taxpayers the immense cost of treating veterans with PTSD, which they documented at $1.5 million per soldier. Imagine the savings they could have provided if they had taken this program force-wide. Even academia seems to be getting on board. In November 2016, Yale removed a depressed student from campus over concerns she may commit suicide and bring unhelpful media attention to the school’s high suicide rate. Brilliant. Most recently, the Commandant of the Marine Corps signaled his support for this type of program by labeling the Thousand Oaks shooter as an “ex-Marine,” effectively excommunicating him from the Corps. Under the R.I.D.D. program, this person in fact would no longer be a Marine, or even a veteran, and therefore no longer a concern for DoD and the VA.

And let’s not forget the ingenious “secret waiting lists” of the VA. First reported in 2014, this creative approach enabled the VA to meet strict timeline requirements for providing medical care to veterans. Undeterred by prying media and congressional investigations, the VA continued to employ secret waiting lists as recently as 2017 to alleviate the strain on overworked physicians and bureaucrats. This is exactly the kind of relentless innovation upon which the R.I.D.D. program aims to expand.

Critics no doubt will dismiss a bold initiative such as R.I.D.D. in favor of more traditional approaches. They will claim that more funding should be allocated to veterans’ wellness programs to provide preventative mental health care and research into next-generation medical treatments for PTSD. They will argue that DoD and the VA need to be logically integrated to provide veterans a smooth transition from active service to civilian life. They might even have you believe that 17 years of war takes its toll on an all-volunteer force. Do not listen to these haters! A modest proposal such as Dr. Swift’s made sense back in his time. Today, a bolder proposal is appropriate. Aggressive, innovative action is required to address misbehaving veterans. Get R.I.D.D. of them!

1 2
Go to Top