November 15, 2019
Dear Pete Hegseth,
I need your help.
I’m writing you this letter from a Tokyo jail cell. They took away my iPhone so I can’t tweet @ you. I’m terrified. They say I’m accused of satsujin, whatever that means, and they look really mad but I honestly don’t understand why. The last thing I remember I was drinking whiskey highballs and singing Toby Keith at a karaoke bar in Kabukicho, when…BAM! I’m getting hauled off in a paddywagon with my hands zip-tied behind my back. What’s worse is my ship’s duty officer came to tell me I’m being charged with UCMJ violations and my ship is leaving me behind. This has to be one big liberal conspiracy. I think I may have been a victim of a hate crime against the USA. I mean, I do remember I was wearing my American flag tank top and my “Back-to-Back World War Champs” ballcap. I am a United States Sailor… a bona fide national hero! Whatever happened, it wasn’t my fault! I know you’ve had success in convincing our leaders to drop bogus, trumped-up charges against true patriots like Major Matthew Golsteyn. He was accused of shooting an unarmed man. Whatever I did can’t be that bad! Please send help soon! There’s no wi-fi. I’m not sure how long I can make it.
November 16, 2019
Ok, so it turns out it is that bad. Apparently, satsujin means ‘murder’ but I’m innocent! I swear! I’m remembering a little more about that fateful night. Some Yakuza-lookin’ joker started talking trash about America so I smashed a bottle of Jameson over his head. I don’t know nothin’ about no “Rules of Engagement” but that has to be authorized use of military force! We gotta protect America’s honor like we protect our borders! Amiright?
Anyways, it’s been like a week and I haven’t heard anything from you. I’m getting desperate. They won’t even let me vape my Juul. They only give me unflavored tobacco cigarettes! GROSS! Oh, and the jerk duty officer came by again. He said they’re gonna bust me down to O-3. I didn’t even know they could do that! I can’t live on a Lieutenant’s salary! I have like fourteen streaming apps and delivery services to pay for. You helped Eddie Gallagher get back to E-7. Surely you can help an officer! I’ll try to ration my remaining avocados and White Claws. Please act fast – I only have a dozen each left. I’m thinking a couple days should be sufficient, right?
November 19, 2019
Dear Pete, or Fox and/or Any Friends,
OK, shipmates, you’ve had plenty of time! I ran out of avocado and White Claw rations three days ago. I have no beard oil. They serve me sushi all day long, and they won’t even tell me if its sustainably sourced. They’re SAVAGES! They finally told me their entire “story” on this ridiculous satsujin charge. They claim I went on a drunken rampage and set the bar on fire. Pfff… so what if I did? I remembered something else – the people at the bar said Japanese baseball players are better than Americans! Can you believe that?!? This is about national pride! You have to do something! How is the world ever going to respect us if we let our so-called “allies” push us around like this?? Please, this has gone on long enough. Clint Lorance sat in a cell for six years before you got him out, but his entire unit testified that he ordered them to open fire on three Afghan civilians, killing two. I’m only accused of one murder (maybe more depending on the results of a few autopsies). Besides, there’s no way I can make it in here that long. They’re talking about making me do manual labor. I keep telling myself it’s just like Crossfit IRL, but I’m just not sure! This anxiety is literally killing me! I’m the victim here!
This will be my last letter. The stupid jerkface duty officer told me I’ve already been found guilty at court martial of the UCMJ violations. They’re calling me a violent, drunken sailor, but I’m just a red-blooded American standing up for the ol’ red, white, and blue! You gotta help me, brochachos! I’m begging your pardon!