CHARLES OKI/U.S. NAVY

The Internet Lied to Me

in Rants

Totally unfair. I was duped. Bamboozled. Hoodwinked. I’d been had.

Last week, I read an article on Task & Purpose that describe a policy change by the United States Customs and Immigration Service (USCIS) that would impact U.S. servicemembers serving overseas. According to the article, which included a direct quote from the USCIS spokesperson, children born to military parents stationed outside the U.S. would no longer automatically qualify for citizenship. They would have to go through the application process before their 18th birthday.

I, like a good millennial, reacted quickly and, um, strongly…

Well, as it turns out, the internet lied to me. The USCIS was not revoking birthright citizenship for military children after all. The actual policy change was much more innocuous and nuanced. Can you believe it? Something on the internet turned out not to be true?!? People actually pointed this out to me on Twitter. The nerve.

So, what happened? I can’t really blame Task & Purpose, or the numerous other news outlets who picked up the story. I mean, T&P did speak directly to the USCIS spokesperson, who definitely made it seem like military kids born overseas were getting hosed. And I guess I can’t really blame USCIS, either. Headscratching quote aside, when you read the actual policy change, they’re really just getting themselves in line with Department of State policy.

I’m certainly not going to hold myself accountable for my reaction. I’m a millennial, so that’s not possible. I am entitled to my knee-jerk recreational outrage. I even bothered to read an entire article instead of just a headline. What more do you want from me???

So, with no other recourse, I’m left with only one option to right this injustice: the internet owes me an apology.

Since the internet can’t actually issue statements (that I’m aware of), I’m willing to accept an apology from of the following people who run the internet:

  • Mark Zuckerberg
  • Jack Dorsey
  • Donald Trump
  • Vladimir Putin
  • Bill Gates
  • Julian Assange
  • George Soros
  • Al Gore

I will also accept a private tour of Area 51, or a chicken sandwich from Popeye’s.

It’s almost like the internet just doesn’t take anything seriously.

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